I guess that I know what will happen next. I mean, in the movies they have moments like this. People gathered around in shocked silence while the main character has a moment of epiphany at his greatest defeat. However in movies, the character rises above and gets the girl; saves the world and redeems himself.
Not so much for me.
The stars have been out for a while now, but as the cold seeps into my bones, I truly see them for the first time. Those pinpricks are balls of fire and gas twice the size of our puny planet or more. And I am a mere grain of sand in this infinite universe. And now I feel it. The oppressive smallness of my life and my actions. I am truly nothing.
So why do I feel a sense of accomplishment at my life? When I come before God, he won’t be in awe of me, he won’t say that I did something remarkable. I’ll be at his mercy, the mercy of the God who created the million pinpricks of light I’m staring at now. The million balls of fire and gas that could engulf the earth and not slow down.
A shudder shakes me to my core, and bile rises in the back of my throat. My hands are warm and wet, holding my intestines close to my body. I know that there is no one near, no person coming to save me. I will be dead in a minute or two more. Nothing less than the power of God can save me now.
And considering the fact that I’m nothing and have done nothing, I doubt that’ll happen.
I recollect on the girl that I will never be able to tell about the love I hold for her. Her deep blue eyes I would get lost in, the strands of straw colored hair I would run my fingers through. The feeling of her heart beating in unison with mine while we lay collapsed together after our passions had run their course. We were nothing in the river of life, but we clung to what we had and held it dear.
If I am nothing, and when I die no one will remember me, what is my purpose? Why are we placed on this earth? Does God and his angels sit above us and mock our futile efforts to be something? Or does he curse his foolish efforts at companionship? We can’t be something he’s proud of. We’re vain, proud and foolish. Shortsighted and ignorant of the greater plan.
Or does he regard us as a parent to a wayward child? With sorrow and a hope to be reunited with us? In that case, are we merely placed here to die and be brought together with our creator? I had heard stories of a savior, a man that was fully God at the same time. It makes no sense to me, yet it brings peace to millions of people around the world. A man who saved the human race with his selflessness, even in the face of free will.
Now his followers shame his name, judging and hating those who are different than them. Didn’t he sit with prostitutes and dine with the outcast taxmen? Didn’t he love lepers and give sight to the blind? Didn’t he do everything against the culture of the time? A extremist of love?
Funny how in these last few moments I wonder if everything I’ve done will please a God I’ve never thought of except in times of passing guilt. It’s getting hard to breath now, and there’s a gurgling in the back of my throat. I’m getting close to piercing the veil that separates this world and the next. It is surprisingly calming.
We fight our whole lives to delay the inevitable. We treat our bodies like temples, ignoring relationships and loved ones in an effort to live another day. But now, I realize how foolish it is. I realize my purpose in life. It comes as a clear bolt of simplicity, and I laugh at how much we complicate things.
All we are put here for is to live with others. To love, to laugh and to hold those we hold dear. Why would we hate when those we hate are barely aware of us? Why would we fight others when tomorrow we could be called to heaven? I know it seems foolish, others will not agree and we would merely end up at the end of being hurt and hated and left alone while others try to evade death. But it is the truth I cling to as I die.
I look around, for someone to share my revelation with, but no one is near. I am alone, and this wisdom will pass from life with me. I send my love out to those I love and wish I had told them just one more time. The stars are so beautiful. They dance in the sky as tears fill my eyes.
This is a lonely goodbye.