Hell Freezes Over

    Opening the front door to a fiery set of eyes looking rather annoyed, I knew immediately why he was here. Momentarily I was shocked, today didn’t seem like anything extraordinary. However, considering the way 2016 had progressed, I should have seen it coming. Lucifer brushed the snow off his shoulders as he entered my house, continuing his sullen silence. As arrogant as he was, he never assumed that he would be back here.

    “It finally froze over hey? I’ll have to see what new ridiculous event caused this to happen.” I turned my back to the Devil, fear and excitement battling in my gut as I walked to the living room to turn on the television.

   “Nothing will be on the news yet, it happens tomorrow.” The heavy resignation in his voice surprised me. When I first ran into Satan, he had been so full of life, power and freedom. Naturally, it came with a large amount of arrogance with it, but now he seemed a shell of who he was.

    “The bet was only if Hell froze over though, why are you here?” I sat down on my couch in the living room, turning down the television and motioning for the King of Lies to sit beside me. He leaned his pitchfork against the coffee table, and sat down slowly, his mind obviously racing. Something was happening, but what?

    “You misunderstand friend, Hell is already frozen over. God froze it preemptively, setting up for the big show tomorrow.”

    “Are you implying Armageddon comes tomorrow?!” I jumped up, staring incredulously at Beelzebub. “We need to tell people! Who cares about a little wish you owe me!” In a near hysterical state, I instinctively reached for my phone to start making calls to people important to me.

    “Stop.” Abaddon put his hand on mine gently and looked at me sympathetically. “He froze Hell over because he’s switching the script. Everyone will die tomorrow, and everyone will go to Heaven. Using the amount of souls at his disposal then, he will annihilate Hell entirely. No trace of it left in the ether.”

    “That’s… not a bad thing right? I mean, everyone will be in paradise, no more suffering.” My mind didn’t want to process to size of he was saying, the sheer amount of death coming. Funny, I was fine considering Hell real, after meeting the Evil One, but Heaven had never really sank in for me as a possible reality.

    “If you want to look at it in that base of a manner, sure.” As offhand as the King of Babylon was being, I couldn’t imagine anything other than the hottest hellfire burning beneath the surface. “But the truth is, it breaks the game. Having no choice in the matter defeats the entire purpose of human history, of me. I’ve stood for free will, removing blinders from humanity and allowing them to make their own mistakes and better themselves from it. Shit, Hell is a crappy place, but you make your choices to get there. Now murderer and saint will walk down the same golden streets together.”

    There wasn’t anyway to respond to that, so I chose to sit quietly and let it all sink in. Most of me was honestly content. As long as my death wasn’t drawn out and painful, I would get to go to heaven. No questions asked. Immortally I would live in paradise. But I also got the free will part and was mildly irked that I would be forced to fight in a war against my will, for a cause I never even considered.

    “So you’re saying that tomorrow, God will destroy all of the physical realm and kill every human on earth for his plan?” Morningstar nodded at me, his mind lost to coming up with some plan to thwart his creator. “I still get my wish right?”

    “If you want, but it won’t really matter tomorrow. I can’t wish life on someone that God has decided it’s time to remove from the world. He’s my creator, I have limits.” With a sigh he leaned back into the couch, obviously giving up on a plan to outsmart God. “How about you wish for your last day to be full of hookers and blow? That’s a wish I’d stick around to enjoy with you.”

    “I wish,” I paused, making sure I got the wording right on the idea in my mind. I only had one chance at this after all. “I wish that the world could be moved to a non-physical realm, with no interruption or danger to any inhabitants, one out of the reach or interaction of the original creator.” Belial turned to me, the spark of defiance in his eye that I associated with him turned into a roaring flame. A wide, toothy grin spread across his face and struck his hand out towards me enthusiastically.

    “That’s a wish I can get behind, you conniving son of a bitch. Unrelatedly, you want a job when you die? I’ve got room in my loophole department.”

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